The Big Surgery May 17th

Wow, I have really avoided this blog for a while now! Here I am though, back in action!
I have a had a really, really big week that I had to battle through to get to this place, right here, right now.
Monday, May 17th. Surgery at Comm. south Surgery Center. Nice place, Im thinking, I could work here. Hustle, bustle, everyone is around me starting IV's and I had many visitors, some of which, I did not expect, but really appreciated. The Dr. and Anesthesiologist both pop their heads in and say, we dont expect this to be any big deal, and assure Paul and the kids that they will give them small updates throughout the procedure.
Well, you know, I don't do anything normal and without drama! So, in I go. Scared to death. As I am being put under, I remind the Anesthesiologist how to monitor me and the nurses to make sure I look decent and not exposed and to wait to put my catheter in while I'm sleeping. I drifted off.......and I woke up very, very late.

Something was not right. Back up! They injected methylene blue dye into my right nipple x4 places. 12, 11 10 and 9 o'clock. The blue dye uptakes into bad lymph nodes.(by the way, fully awake for this procedure, thank you) OK so when the Dr. gets into the armpit, for which I have been complaining about for a long time now, she is surprised and sickened by what she sees. A cluster of cancer! All together, encapsulated by fibrous tissue and what appears to be no finger like projections ( a good sign). This is a dissection waiting to happen that takes a very long time. Paul and the kids and some visitors are now starting to panic and wonder; What is taking so long?
Dr. comes out and gives everyone the bad news. Paul is a mess and he makes some much needed phone calls. the prayer chains get longer, and I am in total and utter darkness, for awhile.

I wake up at 2am ish. Just Paul and I are in the room. He is running all over, trying to make me feel better. The nurse is showing him how to strip my drains and what not. Pretty much ignoring me. I know something is up. The nurse brings me some crackers and cheese and leaves. Paul is now mine! Cornered, I ask him; "So, what did they end up doing? How was my armpit?" He answers me,"not good" and I throw everything I was eating right at his head and start to cry. "I knew it, I knew it all of these months but everyone thought I was a fucking crazy lady!" He tries to reassure me, but that will not happen. What is next you ask? Hell and torture for me, because I already know what is to come....shit!

The Big Day!

Kids off to school and Brad off to Ball Memorial for orientation then work til noon. We all hugged and said our goodbye's and prayers.
Paul and I have been putting the finishing touches on the upstairs; changing sheets, vacuuming,unclog a drain in kids bathroom, etc..... We both have a sort of calm around us. We know we have to do this. He did offer to whisk we away to Mexico (not my first choice, that would be Vegas) but I turned him down as I want to be healthy and on the road to recovery as soon as possible.
I can't thank everyone enough for all of the well wishes and prayers for myself and my family. We feel like we are surrounded by some of the most fabulous people.
I told Paul that he will have to put the next few entries in this journal, or you will just have to wait for it. They will be very, very interesting indeed! Well, Im going to go and get ready for this! Wish me luck!
Kathy

Sunday morning blues?

You're never ready for surgery, really. You say you are, you say I can't wait to heal and be done with this, but the truth is, I don't want to go through this at all. It is totally terrifying to me. Anyone who says different is lying! I mean, unless you truly dont know any better, which in my case, I feel like I know way to much. Too much for my own good! Too much for everyone's own good!

Jump ahead:
11 am Dr. office Monday Morning. Have wire place in "good" breast so they can define all of the margins of the biopsy that came back negative. Hmmmm, sounds easy right? Wrong! That breast still hurts, this is going to suck!

After procedure, please go straight to the surgery center, so we can get you ready for 3pm. Really? You want me to sit for at least 3 hours waiting at the surgery center. I remind her of all of my anxiety and neuroses and she assures me they can give me "something" to calm me. A Margarita Machine better be one of them! IV insertion for sure, along with anesthesia education and consent, followed by tons of material I have to know about rehab and my new tissue expanders for my new breasts that I will get in about 2-3 months.
Again, this sucks! Im usually on the other end explaining all of this information to patients and their families. This is all new to me so I will listen, but I'm still pissed about it. Not to mention, the scariest part of it all, the L word! Dont even want to say it out loud. The dissection and notification of my Lymph nodes. This will determine whether or not chemo (hate that word too) will be in my very near future. Excited to get rid of cancer(there's another one!) but also scared to have chemo in my body! This is totally out of my control, for which I always think I am in for those of you who do not know me all that well;)
It is 1:50 pm. I am going to go and grill out with the family. I will watch a good movie and I will say goodbye to a part of my body I have known for 42 years. Sad? Maybe, but Im getting new perfect ones, and women do this everyday, right? Oh, well, so what. I have a date later with Mr. Ativan and then nothing to eat or drink after Midnight. That will not be a problem as I havent' been eating anyway.
Monday surgery, Tuesday starts the healing process, STAY POSITIVE! That is my motto!!!!Keep sending me those prayers, and send me a note once in a while so I have something to read!! TTYL Kathy

Sunday May 16th 2010

So, Saturday was a good day, kinda. Rachel went to King's Island with the choir. She texted me right after she did Skydiver! You know they harness you into a, well, harness,hoist you up about 150ft. or higher, then say "3, 2, 1, fly!" They cut the cord and she soars through the air like the crazy child she is! She didn't do the bungee ball because one of the seats were broken; darn!

Paul and I cleaned out the porch for most of the day, ran to Target to get my zip up hoodie I've been told I will need. You know, zip up as to not lift my arm over my head and pockets to put my drains in. Fashionable and gross all at the same time! Yippee! I am not at all ready for this. I thought I was but Im not.

Later that night, some friends drop by for a quick card game at our house. They know we wouldn't be doing anything so why not. Let's just say I won ,but did I? Thrown game? Not sure but I did have some amazing hands. I came down between Paul and I and he wanted to split the pot and I simply did not. I ended up destroying him like a good wife should.

All the kids got home at decent hours and it is time for bed. I have a date with Mr. Ativan. He and I fall fast asleep and wake up the next morning.........crap!

So much anxiety, so little time.........left

Ok, so yesterday was fun. I had lunch at Mallow Run Winery here on the south side with some great friends. We sat outside and enjoyed some wine with cheese and crackers and cucumber dip. It was truly a great day.

The wine put me out though! I came home and took a nap on the couch. I was woken up by Mocha sniffing and licking my mouth, face,and you get the idea.
Paul came home and once again, I decided I was too tired to go for a bike ride so, once again, I didn't. Nope, I don't feel guilty at all, well maybe just a little.

Later that night we played Texas Hold-em at Marji and Steve's house. I came in second, again. I had fun and that is all that matters to me.

I am home at midnight, and ready for bed. I can't take my friend, Mr. Ativan , because I have to take Rachel to the school at 5am for her King's Island trip. I know what you are thinking, have Paul or one of the boys take her, but the guilt of me not going gets the better of me and I want to do this. I turn the TV on and before I know it, the alarm was going off and it was go time.
Rachel threatened me as she left this morning at 5am, she said,"I am doing the bungee cord ball ride mom!" She is crazy when it comes to thrill rides! My friends will have to endure that one for me, just this once! She will sit in a steel ball, next to her friend and be pulled down, then released into the air. She has been begging to do this ride since she was 5 or 6. She is 12.

All I keep thinking about as Monday grows closer, is the fact that these are the last days with a part of my body that I have grown accustom to. The last Saturday, Sunday and then boom, Monday is here. To say I am nervous is an understatement! I am a nurse as you all know, so many, and I mean many scenarios have been going through my mind. I try to block them out, but sometimes they get the better of me. I am going to try and keep busy this Saturday and try not to worry. I am already dressed and ready for the bike ride and I am going to play corn hole later. Rachel does not have to picked up until 9:30 this evening and the boys will do that for me. They have agreed to help out around the house today and they promised to put all of their clean laundry away!

Ativan, my Ativan

Ok, so I talked with a girl I dont even know and half way through the conversation she says to me,"Have they given you anything for your nerves yet?" Haha, I say no. She insists I call them and get something. I called, they gave me Ativan. Im a little reluctant to take b/c I have seen people go crazy on this. Fine one minute and then boom, a lunatic the next. I worn my husband and then I take one. I slept like a baby all night and didn't wake up until 6:45!! Thanks new best friend, I think we are going to get along just fine!!!

Friday May 14th, 2010

So yesterday was again, a very busy day for me. I went to lunch with the CCU girls. We ended up at Fireside on the Southside. I love this place. I always get the same thing. M-80 Shrimp. They are sweet and hot and plump and delicious. Today, however, they had a special. They had them in a wrap type sammie ,so that is what I got and it was yummy!
The girls were fun and the conversation as lively as it always is! I will miss them at 2am on the weekends; that is when we break for our lunch. Who knows, I might pop in and see them once in a while.

Later that night, I was invited to a breast cancer survivor/drinking group! Not your typical group I must say. They give out awards and celebrate milestones in the group; going to your last appt., getting your implants, getting your nipples tattooed; etc.....Very, Very nice group of ladies. I was a little overwhelmed at first, but my good friend Debbie was there to help me along. A glass of Chardonnay also helped me too!

So I get home and my son Brad meets me at the door. Hey, we need to go to the Dr. OK, lets go. I drive him to Immediate Care cause I dont want to go to the ER. He has systemic poison ivy. It doesn't go away. He was taking care of it at Purdue and it seemed like it was better, but we ad a relapse and he is covered again. We know what to do; Steroid and Steroid cream. We got some and I know I already feel better.

Last stop at 10:30 at night; the neighborhood girls need to see me! They are finishing up spirits and a bonfire so Paul and I pop over for a minute. Wow, they are so sweet! I got more kisses from Johnna that anyone else combined. She was very uplifting and I think she is going to be a big inspiration to me during the next few weeks. It was good to sees everyone, and I am glad we made the time to stop in.
Paul, now take me home I am tired!

Thursday May 13th 2010

I have so much to do today. It is going to be crazy. I need to get all of this laundry done and my boys are going to help me with it!!! I am also going to lunch with some very dear friends and co-workers today. I hope I am hungry today, because lately I havent been. I did wake up feeling bright eyed and bushy tailed, a good nights rest will do that for you.

Yesterday, after getting home from running kids and planting flowers and winding down, there was a knock at my back door. Of course, I had to yell for the kids to get my dogs because I didn't know who it was and they were very excited to jump on this person the minute I open the door. So Paul actually came to my rescue.
I opened the door and it was a neighbor of mine ,who oddly enough, just had a bilateral mastectomy and tissue expanders in place. She wanted to check up on me and play a little show and tell. I didn't think I would be up for it, but before you know it, we were in my bathroom, checking out the new and improved girls! They looked great. It helped me out tremendously for about a minute, and then she said the "L" word. Lymph nodes. I've got to tell you, I am more freaked out about my lymph node dissection than anything else. "Well just hope they are negative!" This is what everyone is saying to me. Well, what if they are not? I mean, it could happen. I might have to have chemo. This scares the shit out of me; not the chemo, the fact that it is so far outside of my breast tissue........ewwww!
I say goodbye, and then go and grab a beer ( I would have grabbed drugs if I had any!) and go and sit on the porch. Paul is worried and concerned. He tries to cheer me up. He gives me words of encouragement and I feel a little better. I just can't think that way, stay positive Kathy, stay positive.

Wednesday May 12th

I went out to lunch with Nancy today. She treated me to Santorini's Greek Restaurant in Fountain Square. It was amazingly delicious food. Tzasiki sauce with warm triangles of pita with olive oil drizzled over the top, shrimp,scallop and fish skewers and a greek salad. I was stuffed!

She then surprised me! She pulled out a pair of socks for me and said lets go Duckpin Bowling. So that is what we did. I bowled above average, which is 60, so it was a good day.
I of course was hot and sweaty in the basement of this old building. Yep, the only dark headed, greek food stinkin person in there with perspiration running down my forehead. What the heck!! Anyway, it was fun.

I almost forgot to mention, that I received a phone call today prior to leaving from my OB/GYN's NP. Her name is Ann. She said she was just thinking about me and wanted to commend or applaud me for being so persistent about my symptoms. She noticed that I had been to several Dr.'s and had several tests done. She assured me that up until this point, everything was normal. I have to keep telling myself they are right. It was nice of her to call because I hardly know her.

Monday 10, 2010

I slept well. Woke up; and that damn phone rang! It was the office of my surgeon. My surgery is confirmed for the 17th and I now have to have one more procedure before the big surgery. Just another step to recovery. My mom and dad left this morning and will not be back until after my surgery. This is good as I need to get the house in order, Brad moved back in and just make sense of it all with my family at my side.

My last weekend of work before surgery..........

Saturday and Sunday were hard. I walked in Saturday and knew that what I was about to tell my co-workers wasnt going to be easy. After a breif report; I closed the door and just let them have it. They were stunned. Some thought I was going to be doing some kind of skin care teaching, but no, that was not it. I received several hugs and a lot of prayers.
Yes there were some who were so innapropriate, that it made me feel very,very scared. So after about two hours, I packed it up and went back home to my family! I just couldnt do it.
Sunday night, I got back on the horse and did my last 12 hour shift for six-eight weeks. I had a lot of support and some of my co-workers really touched me as to how much it affected them. I feel blessed to have such wonderful people that I know care and pray about me and my family. As I left that morning, I again was afraid of what was to come in the next week.

Telling the rest of the family and the parents!

Ok, so now it's Tuesday afternoon and I have to make a very hard call to my Mom. I call her at work and decide to let her tell my dad since he is so very hard of hearing. She immediately cries and tells me she is on her way! She did however notify all of the rest of my family up north as she does so well. I think my relatives in Hungary, Turkey and Romania were also notified if I know her!
They arrived on Thursday and by Thursday night, I was over the doom and gloom. Life goes on. So we did normal things and just went on about our business as usual.
Friday I went to Purdue and got Brad and then my Mom and I played Poker with the girls in the neighborhood. I came in second! The girls are not going to take it easy on me just cause I have the C word!
The people closest to me do not know how to comfort me because there really isnt a way. I need someone to say it isnt there at all and then I will have peace.

Tuesday May 4, 2010 7am

Ok, I'm here at the Dr. office. Scared and shaking, they call me into the consultation room. I met my nurse navigator Carol. She is a survivor of 12 years, but I dont care, I dont want to know her story, just mine for the moment.
They gave me a breast cancer awareness pin, a duffle bag with a water bottle(pink of course) and a lot of reading material. It is still sitting in my kitchen in the bag. I refuse to look at it.

My Dr. walks in and is pleased. "I'm so gald that we caught this early." I said Early? Please tell me after all of these months, you still think this is early. She reassured me that it was and we moved on.
Stage I, grade II Invasive Ductal Carcinoma. The most common type of cancer in the breast. Great to know I'm of average disease catching caliber. Of course we did have to cover the other stages, of which I do not want to refer to ever! So we wont.
Option: for me only one option is out there. Remove them both, and get rid of this cancer! I wouldnt even listen to the lumpectopy infrormation. I was told that the cancer can jump to the other breast so that was a no brainer for me.
Yep, reconstruction too! At first I was hesitant, but I figure, I want to still wear cute tanks and tops and I am a beach lover so I am going for the implants! I will have my 20 years old boobs back in no time!
So, oh yea, one more thing, we need to biopsy your left breast now! What? Im freaking out. Why now, you said it looked ok. What is going on. All of the informtaion she just gave me gone, gone, now replaced with new fears and worries.
In to the Ultrasound room where they are core needle biopsying another area. Lets jump ahead here and let you know that it was negative, but really scary to wait and here those results after going through all of the other things to get to this point.

Ok, now to coordinate the plastics with the surgeon, ah, May 17,2010. That is the day my life will change forever.

Monday May 3, 2010

Ok, so I slept all day on Monday May 3rd because I had worked a 12 hour shift the night before. It was a good night. I did not sleep in my bed, I slept in the bonus room on the couch, and I must say, I slept well. I must of know I would need it with the news that was about to hit me.

I slept until 2:35 pm and at 2:36pm, my cell phone rang. ( Apparently my home phone was off the hook.) "Kathryn please." I answered. "Kathryn, this is the Dr. Office calling and I'm afraid it's not good news. You have cancer in your breast." Devastated, panicked, crying, getting sick to my stomach. I had all of these emotions and shaking like a leaf was an understatement!

Of course, I need to make an appt. to speak with the Dr. and find out my "options" and how bad it all was. Anyone who knows me will understand the following; I told the girl over the phone that if she didn't get me in the next morning, that I was showing up that day, whether they liked it or not. She put me on hold and when she came back, I had an appt. for the very next morning at 7am.

Of course, I immediately called Paul. He had to calm me down because all of my fears were now a reality of what I knew could be! I was fearful because I had been to several, and I mean several doctors who all thought I was NUTS! I felt like Elaine Bennis from Seinfeld where the Dr.s wrote about me in there charts and then passed them around to confirm they all had the same crazy experience with me. I had CT scans, MRI's and blood work, exams and they all came back negative; but I still felt a funny feeling under my right armpit, especially around that time of the month.

Well, I hardly slept that day. I waited until Curtis and Rachel came home from school and told them. Of course they cried and felt terrible and I felt terrible for telling them. They both agreed I should call Brad at Purdue, so I did. It was difficult but it needed to be done because I didn't want him to hear it from anyone else but me.

So, I sat on my basketball court in disbelief for about two hours and then got up and wandered around the house like a zombie. I went over everything in my head from the past months and tried to find out when they missed something, and I was literally driving myself crazy! Time for bed, sleepy head.